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Quick!  Take me to the fainting couch, I think I have the vapours…

While appearing on Regis & Kelly this morning to promote her latest cinematic masterpiece The Switch, Jen was talking about going into full Barbara Streisand drag for a recent Harper’s Bazarspread.  Regis made a comment that she “plays dress up”, and Jen replied that “I do it for a living like a retard”.

Whoops.

Clutch pearls and gasp in righteous outrage as various groups move in for the kill by complaining to magazines like UsWeekly over her lack of sensitivity.  Silly Jen, you can’t go around using that word, it offends far too many people since so many of them fit that description.*

(*In this definition, it’s someone with full mental and intellectual capacity who just refuses to use it.)

No well worded written mea culpa from Jen or her spokeminion yet, although People will undoubtedly be hearing from Team Aniston before it gets dark tonight.

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Normally I’m not team Jen at all, but in this case I’ll make an exception.

It all started when sad lonely perfume shill Jen was givng an interview to promote her movie The Switch, when she told reporters on Sunday, “Women are realizing it more and more knowing that they don’t have to settle with a man just to have that child. Times have changed and that is also what is amazing is that we do have so many options these days, as opposed to our parents’ days when you can’t have children because you have waited too long”.

Right-wing FOX News nutbar Bill O’Reilly took exception to this, saying Jen was “thowing a message to 12 and 13 year old girls” glamourizing single motherhood and that was “destructive to our society”.

Well, turns out Kitty (or her spokesminion) has claws, telling  People in a written statement, “Many women dream of finding Prince Charming… but for those who’ve not yet found their Bill O’Reilly, I’m just glad science has provided a few other options.”

Oooooh, burn!

Aniston – 1  O’Reilly – 0

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I’m so tempted to make a joke about this being another one of Jen’s showmances to help promote a movie, but I won’t.

Jason Peyton, a 24 year old schizophrenic with a history of violent behavior is cooling his heels in an LA psych ward on a 5150 (mandatory three day evaluation when it’s feared your a danger to yourself or others) after family members alerted police he was on his way to California to marry Jen.  A restraining order has also been issued requiring Peyton to keep at least 100 feet away from Jen, assuming he gets released.

The police found Peyton lurking in an area he believes Jen frequents in his car which subtly had “I Love Jennifer Aniston” scratched into it’s side.  They also found a bag full of messages and baby names of the child he intends to  have with Jen, along with a shank and some duct tape.  Police say Peyton had been looking for her for eight days before they found him.

As for Jen herself, she’s currently out of town in London launching her fragrance, which is now apparently going to be called Jennifer Aniston: The Fragrance.  Pfffft.  Why won’t they call it Abandoned?

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KIDDING! 

Jennifer Aniston’s fragrance Lolavie (they should have gone with “Abandoned”) is being released later this week, along with an ad campain that shows Jen (surprise, surprise) shirtless, on a beach, with her arms crossed over her breats, and the wind whipping through her famous hair.

Nice to see Jen branch out for a change (sarcasm).  

Interesting to note how the release of the fragrance and it’s campain got delayed just in time to end up coming out a few days before Angelina Jolie’s new action flick Salt. 

Trying to steal Angie’s thunder or ride on her coat-tails?  Discuss!

Jen also has a movie coming out next month, meaning a showmance with somebody (anybody) should be right around the corner, with paps getting photos and Jen’s spokes-minion denying anything’s going on.  Predictable. 

Hmmm.  Maybe that’s what Jen should have named her fragrance.

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When she should really be laughing at her choices in movie roles.

Actually, Jen finally got the approvalaround to name her new celebrity fragrance.  

The perfume’s name is…..dramatic pause….

Lola Vie (French for Laughing at Life). 

Meh.

Guess Suck it, Brangelina was deemed too negative.

Laughing at Life?  My sense of humour is a little twisted, but I keep picturing mimes, maniacal laughter, and the sound of glass breaking. 

Wasn’t Jen just babbling on about the past five years being her ”re-birth”?  Maybe she should reconsider the name and call it After-birth. 

Ewwww.   

Never mind, Lola Vie will do.

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But something about this seems a little contrived.  Although it looks like Gerry has everything well in hand…

Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are busy in gay Paris, pimping out for their latest stinker The Bounty Hunter.  It’s made about $40 million so far, which is ok, but far from being a “hit”.  Which explains the suggestive PDA TMZ shot while the pair continues to claim they’re  ”just friends”.  If the movie can’t sell itself on it’s own, a fake romance born on the set to incite interest or a reasonable fascimile there of always helps.

If these two are anything other than co-workers, it’s friends with benefits (even if it was just once to see what all the fuss was about regarding the other).

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It was only a matter of time…

Poor, sad, lonely Jennifer Aniston is the latest celebrity to enter the fragrance market, with a new scent that “she” has been working on for the past couple of years. 

No word yet on what it’s going to end up being called as apparently Echo and Aniston were both submitted and shot down by the marketing department. 

Uh-oh!  Writers block can be such a bitch, especially when your minions aren’t coming through for you.  (Memo to Jenn get better minions).  Since Jen clearly needs some help since her minions are failing her, how about “Desperation“?  Smells like: contrived rom-coms, John Mayer’s pee and publicist arranged fake boy-friends.  

Another possibility is “Abandoned“.  Smells like: failed relationships, spinster-hood, and loneliness.

I could go on all day with this (it’s fun) but I think I’ll stop now.

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Jennifer Aniston took along latest pretend boyfriend Gerard Butler (guess all is forgiven after he broke protocol and made out with some random ho while in Venice Beach), BFF’s the Arquettes (Courtney and David), and Access Hollywood to Mexico to celebrate her 41st birthday over the weekend. 

Funny, most celebs look like they smell a fart when Billy Bush’s name comes up but Jen has a crappy new movie to promote, a vacation to pay for, and a pathological need to remind everyone just how happy she is now that Brangelina have shown the world that they’re not over.

Writing $9000 a night resort off as working expense aside (and you totally know she’ll have her accountant do just that), Jen feels vacationing in Mexico is obviously a humanitarian effort, explaining,  “These people survive on us coming down and spending money and coming here to these beautiful places. It sort of made sense to sort of say ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico. Let’s shout out to these kids in Tijuana at El Faro and you know, have a big…that’s sort of our birthday celebration this year.”

Kudos to you for your selflessness, Jen.  Kudos!

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Architectual Digest brings us inside the home of America’s Favorite Abandoned (and still unlucky in love) Sweetheart for their March issue.

Apparently, Jens home has been redesigned for a single girl, with the his and her bathroom turned into a lady spa.  Oh yes, and she’s very, very, happy!

So much for those reconciliation rumours that the tabloids trot out about once a month or the kids she said she wanted to have shortly after her divorce over five years ago.

Remember that?  Yeah, Not.  Going.  To.  Happen.  Although given who her fanbase is, Aniston will never admit it. 

Interestingly, Brad Pitt and one of his homes was featured in AD this time last year.  Do you think it’s a coincidence?

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