Oh noes!  Does this mean an end to our being entertained by John’s (non) clever musings? 

Thankfully, he’s still keeping his blog on JohnMayer.com, Tumblr, and  Facebook, accounts active to keep us entertained with his douchebaggery (if that’s not a real word/term it should be) and thoughts.

BTW, Radar is saying John and Jennifer Aniston hooked up in Atlanta this past weekend.  While it’s possible that John’s gone back to his old f*ck buddy, Jen has a movie coming out to promote, so I’m calling shenanigans.  This was probably a story planted by her spokesminon.

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It’s been a while since we heard anything from John Mayer, but now he’s back with a vengence via Tumblr, aiming his eloquently short but sweet musings (sarcasm) at The Huffington Post for having the nerve to suggest that he might be getting together again with his old f*ck buddy, Jennifer Aniston.

(You might want to take a bathroom break first, it’s that long winded.)

Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.”

 From their front page item “BACK TOGETHER?”:

Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back on? Mayer seemed to indicate they might be when he spoke in front of a crowd of 18,000 at his concert on Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl in LA.

“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ – no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them.”

“Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point. The next sentence is from the song “Half of My Heart,” in reference to the idea that meeting new people allows for hiding old mistakes. (Well, for most people at least.) The sentence about texting comes from the show’s encore, “Edge of Desire,” in a moment of giving people permission not to beat themselves down for still wanting someone. Two sentences about different things at different points in a concert.

The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.

JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!”

Wow.  Wonder what is it about the HuffPo piece that got under his skin?  Maybe sharing a headline with Jennifer Aniston after all this time hurt his ego.  Unlike his, her name automatically increases traffic to a site, even though it seems to have the opposite effect at movie theatres.

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John Mayer, the singer guitarist with a penchant for over-sharing and douchebag behaviour,  cancelled the remaining dates on the European leg of his current tour because of an undisclosed illness earlier this week.

Not so undisclosed any more.  Apparently, John got a major case of the runs from food poisoning while in Copenhagen, Denmark.  He ended up having to cancel shows in Amsterdam, Madrid, and Manchester.

Ugh.  Food poisoning is the absolute worst (but on the plus side works wonders if your trying to lose a few pounds).

One of those sources close to the singer (you just know it’s John) blames the catering provided at the Copenhagen show for his troubles.  The singer is returning to the US until he feels less crappy.

Ironic.  Usually posts about John Mayer have to do with his verbal diarrhea, not..well, you know…

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Breaking his self imposed silence since last making an ass of himself, everybody’s favorite narcissistic guitarist, singer, and songwriter John Mayer spoke at the “I Create Music” Expo about Twitter.

“Within in the last couple weeks, every night I think about canceling my Twitter account because I think it’s pretty much done.  I just think that Twitter, as a form of communication, I think it’s over to be perfectly honest with you.”

So is John pulling a Miley Cyrus, or is this his “I wish I could quit you” speech to the social media communication network?

“I would rather see Twitter be a cork board of links to other more important things, because it’s really sort of flawed from the beginning.  I can’t tell you how many times I meet people who write stuff and get upset they have haters now, like, ‘Why do I want to invent more reasons to have haters?’ … I might as well spend that time making a sandwich or building a model ship.”

“My challenge going forward is to basically disregard the need, the obsessive need for external validation.”

We’ll see how long this lasts.  Communication methods come and go.  Douchebaggery is forever.

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1. Taylor Lautner – age 18

Why him? 

The kid’s gorgeous, and is part of one of the argueably largest movie franchises ever.  He’s also obviously mom and management team approved, since he’s never really been seen in Swift’s company without one or the other.

Why not him?

Besides a two year age difference, there’s something a little….off about Taylor Lautner.  The apparent lack of any friends his own age (whatever happened to that guy he was hanging around with a couple of months ago?), combined with some way too practiced mannerisms, reminds some of another famous movie star who may be leading a double life.  Also, didn’t Swift say there was “a lack of chemistry”, hence their break-up?

Need you hear more?   Ok then, mom and manager approved. 

‘Nuff said.

.

2. Cory Monteith – age 26

Why him?

A little bit older than Swift, the handsome actor is on one of the hottest shows on TV (Glee) which shows no sign of slowing down, yet.  Relatively new to the game, he appears to be genuinly decent and seems to actually have some chemistry with Swift.

Why not him?

At Swift’s age nice guys are nice but also kind of dull.  Something about this seems a little contrived as well.  Almost like her people realized that no one was buying her relationship with Lautner upon further examination, so they’re trying it again with another beard, for lack of a better word. .

After all, anyone’s better than…

.

3. John Mayer – age 32

Why him?

Looks, charm, and charisma.  He obviously has them (or at least uses them when he wants) as much as it pains one to admit it.  At 32, he’s about twelve years older than Swift, so he probably comes across to her as worldly, deep and mature.  Word is, she’s quite taken with him.  Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, especially for supposedly conservative christian girls like Swift, who’s allegedly been sneaking around with him on the down low, possibly using number 1 & 2 above as her cover.  Mayer is currently in LA right at the same time Swift is, which is when she just “happened” to be photographed out bowling with Monteith the other night.  Interesting timing, that.  

Why not him?

Mother Swift would absolutely not approve nor would her management team.  Swift’s fans would also likely be aghast, given her squeaky clean high school senior image, which is in direct contrast to Mayer’s prolectivities (golden showers, habitual masturbation, and sexual napalm anyone?) and general douchebag behavior.

So who’s Taylor Swift really with?

Totally John Mayer. 

If they’re not actually dating, it’s just physical.  There’s nothing wrong with that, at all as they’re bboth consenting adults.  Here’s hoping Mayer keeps the path of destruction that usually accompanies him to a minimum.

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It’s been a while since we heard anything from John Mayer, but I suspect that’s all about to change with Courtney Love’s latest Twitter rant.

“do you ever feel like spite hate fucking @johncmayer just to put hi in his place, hes a better guitarist than me but not better in bed! but like say your fucking @johncmayer totally throwing him around the room in bits and then you just BAM punch him in the face? good times”

“ive said far stupider shit than @johncmayer about my alist bfs tho ive been discreet. but about rockers i spill the beans”

“oh dudes Mayers a little bland for me and youngish ill do young, but hes neither Yale Harvard Oxford and hes not really rock, so not for me”

“my genealogist and my gynocplogist know i do my Kegals like a snatch the cig off the table thai sex worker”

Thanks for sharing Courtney. 

Why can’t John Mayer’s Tweets be this much fun to read?

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My gawd.  The third John Mayer post in one day.  This is bordering on obsession and my computer is going to start to smell like Summer’s Eve if I’m not careful.  

Anyway, John Mayer, realizing that he was about to be flayed, crucified and then burnt at the stake in the court of public opinion over leaked comments from his interview with Playboy, offered a mea culpa by his favorite way of communicating with the unwashed masses, his  Twitter page.

“Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

And while I’m using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it’s time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews. It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it. Again, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.I just wanted to play the guitar for people. Everything else just sort of popped up and I improvised, and kept doubling down on it…”

You know he reminds me of a dumbass I had to report to once.  Insecure, vapid, totally self obsessed and completley incapable of answering anything simply or quickly (lots and lots of words but very little said).  

So to sum it up, John Mayer may be a douche bag, but ensures us he isn’t a racist and that he’s very sorry.

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It’s an unspoken rule that gentleman aren’t supposed to do this sort of thing, but John Mayer, being a certifiable douche-bag of the highest order, doesn’t fall under it’s jurisdiction.

You may also want to get some antibiotics after reading this post.

Speaking to Playboy (via US Weekly)  Mayer spilled about dating Jessica Simpson,  whom he banged dated from 2006 to 2007. 

“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*cking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep f*cking you.”

Mayer also addressed rumours regarding his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, managing to not only imply that her career is starting to wane, but that she’s high maintenance.  Hee!  Neither one is exactly off the mark, but there goes any real chance of them ever hooking up again.

“There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.”

John Mayer then goes on to talk about how many women he’s been with since Aniston (which time?) and his future plans.  Consider yourselves forewarned.

“I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.  From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the sh*t out of me. I’ve been trying to prove to people I’m not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That’s f*cked up, man. I’m not dating. I’m not even f*cking. So now I’m going to experiment with ‘f*ck you.’ In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.” 

Ha!  I love it.  He manages to downplay the number of women he’s hit it with, while actually telling everyone the real number, cause he’s a total stud.  Then goes on to warn everyone he’s going to step up his douche-baggery (if that’s not a real word it should be) a notch this year.

Somewhere out there, Taylor Swift’s mother’s blood just ran cold.

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