…World falls off axis.

Giving her bragging rights (trust, she will about this) Lindsay’s pee pee test came back clean for sweet, sweet, booze after her SCRAM device went off at an MTV Movie Award after party.

Lindsay’s lawyer says her client doesn’t know what triggered it.  Dina Lohan had said someone had spelt a drink on Linds at the party, while Lindsay got herself interviewed by Star Magazine to bitch about all the lies that have been told about her and how it’s hurting her career. 

What?

Either her SCRAM anklet is on the fritz or Lindsay’s figured out a way to over-ride it and pass her tests.  Do they do body cavity searches before she goes into the washroom to do her business?  If not, they way want to start.

Lindsay’s court date for parole violation is July 6th.

UPDATE – Not so fast!  Check this update from Radar that says Lindsay’s “alcohol level ranged from .03 to .04 from midnight to 3 a.m on June 6, during the hours after the MTV awards.” According to a source close to the situation: “There was absolutely no doubt that Lindsay was drinking, and the report that the alcohol monitoring service provided to Judge Revel was very detailed and extremely reliable. The (SCRAM) report also says that Lohan’s SCRAM bracelet had indeed been tampered with, and this is one of the reasons that Judge Revel determined that Lindsay violated terns of her bail.”

Ooooo… the plot thickens (not really)!

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Ugh.  This is beyond stupid, but shows just how delusional and self-entitled Lindsay Lohan’s ghastly stage mother Dina is, that I decided I had to post about it.

Apparently, Dina went to Carvel Ice Cream to pick up a cake for her youngest son’s birthday and took daughter Ali’s VIP card to avoid paying for it.  Seems that Ali has a black Carvel card that gives her free ice cream for 75 years, a pretty sweet deal. (How much do you wanna bet Lindsay threw a fit in the middle of one of their locations on her sister’s behalf in order to get her it?)

Anyway, Dina presented the store with Ali’s card and the clerk asked to see some ID, a standard enough practice,  but of course, since this is a member of the Lohan family, there was drama.

Dina went running to Radar afterwards to give them her version of events.  “The shop assistant said, ‘Do you have I.D.?’ Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn’t give me the cake! This guy was crazy! I couldn’t believe this guy… it’s a family card, it just didn’t have my name on it. Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there’s a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I’m trying to use a stolen credit card — and for what? Over a free ice cream?! He wouldn’t give it back… not even to the cops! Finally he gave up and gave me my card back. But he told me, ‘You can have the card, but you can’t have the cake!’ It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people. Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this. When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store — and you can print that!”

What?  No “You’ll never get away with this!!!” tearfully uttered through breathless frustration by Dina as well?  I’m shocked. 

Far more likely, Dina threw a huge fit in the store when she was given the choice of paying or leaving empty handed and either called the cops herself or someone, fearing Dina was going to lose it on the store clerk, did. 

I highly doubt four cop cars showed up unless it was by coincidence, and as for Dina’s story of the police helicopter overhead, chances are it was for traffic, but of course, since this is a Lohan, everything revolves around them.  Always.

Here’s a rhetorical question.  Who’s more delusional, Dina or Lindsay?

UPDATE- Carvel’s spokesminions have released a statement regarding the incident

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Remember Tuesday (scroll down) when I posted about Lindsay’s latest brush with the law for non-compliance of her court ordered terms of probation?

“What’s the excuse going to be this time“?

Thanks to Lindsay’s enabler mother, we now have our answer.  Speaking to  Page Six, Dina explained, “She was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Oh wait, Dina’s being serious?   What is she, high? (rhetorical question)

Dina also says that Donald Trump is trying to get Lindsay on Celebrity Apprentice (is she sure it’s not Celebrity Rehab?) provided Lindsay’s “busy” schedule permits it. 

Yeah right.  Sure he is, although watching Trump say “Your fired” to Lindsay would make my life.

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Someone slipped her booze without her knowing it?

Sunday night, party girl and professional trouble maker Lindsay Lohan attended the MTV Movie Awards, then went to Katy Perry’s after party at Las Palmas.  Apparently, sometime during the evening’s festivities, her SCRAM ankle bracelet went off, indicating that there was alcohol in her system.

Uh-oh.

The company that manufacturers the device immediately notified the authorities that the alarm had gone off, and was caused neither by “mistake or malfunction”. 

As one of the conditions of her probation, Linds has been forbidden to drink booze with the threat that she could face jail time otherwise.  Hence the SCRAM device placed on her to supposedly help keep her in line.  How long was that, all of two weeks?

Lindsay apparently placed a red LED light around her ankle as a little joke, raising eyebrows everywhere she went Sunday night as the light went off (actual SCRAM devices don’t have one).  Who’s laughing now?

Lindsay’s lawyer went into an emergency meeting with the Judge presiding over the case late this afternoon, while Lindsay did what she always does in a crisis, and sent out some Tweets.

However, the judge was having none of it and issued a bench warrant for Lindsay’s arrest, setting the bail this time at $200 000.  Lindsay managed to scrape together the 10% down payment required for a get out of jail card.

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That would explain Lindsay Lohan’s outfit last night at the MTV Movie Awards (yes, she somehow got an invite for some reason, probably by threatening to show up and having a meltdown on the red carpet if they didn’t invite her).

Anyway, Lindsay brought the drams with her, insisting that she her seat be moved she so she wouldn’t have to sit near Dr Drew, who seems to be stalking her. 

Apparently, the good doctor took to his Facebook some time ago, saying if Lindsay was his daughter he’s ensure she be arrested and forced to a three year treatment program.  Lindsay responded by calling him a “quack and a “sell-out”. 

Cripes.  Never ever thought I’d say this, ever, but I tend to agree with her on this one.  Dr Famewhore has since tried to apologize and get Lindsay on his show Celebrity Rehab, but she’s wisely having none of it.  (Now there’s a word I never thought I’d use in a sentence to describe Linds).

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When the going gets tough, the tough go blonde.  Blonde? 

Yes, Lindsay Lohan celebrated her latest brush with jail by spending several hours going Dina Lohan Blonde at some salon in West Hollywood last night.  Ravishing!  (Not to mention clever).

How so? 

Dying hair from black to blonde will destroy traces of any drugs or alcohol in the follicles because of the bleaching process.  Lindsay may be a cracked out trainwreck, but she’s crazy like a fox.

In other news, Lindsay’s apparently been given the green light to continue taking Adderall and Ambien (for her ADD and sleep issues) as long as she provides the court with copies of her prescriptions.

Why do I get the feeling any drug or alcohol tests done on Linds are going to come up “inconclusive”?

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Guess this was just in case Judge Marsha Revel swings that way, or maybe it was for the paps…

Anyhoodle, Lindsay Lohan showed up for her rescheduled court hearing today for her progress report regarding the terms of her probation.  

The judge ordered Lindsay to submit to random testing once a week for both drugs and alcohol and told Lindsay’s lawyer she must also wear a SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring) anklet that will monitor her blood alcohol levels to determine whether or not she’s been drinking.

Lindsay’s lawyer tried to pull a fast one, asking if her client could remove the device “while working”, but the judge shot that request down, basically saying that people will just have to work around it.

Linds must also attend an alcohol education class once a week.  This was the court’s mandate to Lindsay before, although because the program won’t report you unless you miss more than three weeks in a row, Lindsay pushed the limits, attending once every 21 days. 

The Judge made it clear that if Lindsay breaks any of these provisions this time, her ass is going to be thrown in jail. 

 Lindsay’s lawyer initially tried to protest the restrictions placed on her client as being too harsh, but the judge said she’d be happy to give the laundry list of reasons Lindsay has given the court to implement such restrictions, at which point the lawyer withdrew her objections.  Heh.

Lindsay must next appear before the court on July 6th for a formal hearing, where she’ll have to answer for skipping out on her court date last Thursday and explain why she only went to one alcohol education class every three weeks in direct violation of the terms of her probation. 

Considering Lindsay already pulled the death of a mystery relative as an excuse for missing one of her classes (the judge dismissed it as Lindsay didn’t attend the funeral) and used the non-stolen passport for missing her hearing, it should be interesting to see what she cooks up in the next six weeks.

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This has been a long time coming, but better late than never.

Judge Marsha Revel has finally had enough of Lindsay’s antics and issued a bench warrant for her arrest for failure to appear in court as ordered and parole violation, setting bail at $100 000.

The Judge dismissed Lindsay’s stolen passport exuse as just that, telling the court that ”actions speak louder than words”.

“I couldn’t be more clear about the priority of this case,” she added. “She should’ve made sure she didn’t go to Cannes or made sure to be back two days early. She’s not here. There’s really no valid excuse.”

Meanwhile, the DA is calling Lindsay out on her lies, requesting a copy of her plane ticket to get back to the US in time for her hearing (she claims she was turned away at the gate when she couldn’t procuce her passport).

The judge says that Lindsay will be placed in jail for up to 180 days unless she coughs up bail money and submits to the following restrictions, no more booze until her next hearing, random weekly testing for drugs and alcohol, and wear an electronic monitoring device.

The Judge also says that it’s quite possible law enforcement will be waiting for Lindsay when (or if) she arrives at LAX from Cannes.

I love the feeling of schadenfreude on a sunny afternoon….

UPDATE – Looks like Lindsay isn’t going to jail just yet.  Mother Dina paid 10% of the $100 000 bail by selling younger daughter Ali for scientific experiements giving Linday until Monday morning, when she has to show up for court.  Apparently, the passport drama has been settled and Linds is expected to arrive in the states sometime later today (Friday).

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After yet another meltdown in a bar over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan took off Sunday for Cannes, even though she was supposed to be in court this Thursday for a progress hearing, stemming from her DUI arrest three years ago.

The judge already made it crystal clear yesterday that Lindsay is expected to be in court Thursday morning or else a bench warrant for her arrest will be issued, volcanic ash cloud or no volcanic ash cloud.

How convenient tragic then, that Lindsay’s passport has mysteriously been stolen since she arrived in Cannes, hampering her efforts to return. 

Lindsay’s lawyer spoke to TMZ, saying “I was on the phone with Lindsay’s assistant the entire night and we’re doing everything we can to resolve this issue and get her back to L.A. Lindsay is distraught because it was her intention to get back to L.A. today to do more alcohol education classes today and appear in court tomorrow.”

Bitch, please.  Who’s kidding who?

Apparently, Lindsay will be going to the American Embassy to get a new passport tomorrow.  Who wants to bet that she’s still somehow unable to get back stateside until the weekend (at no fault of her own)?

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The latest Lohan drama?  At 10ak, some NYC hotspot over the weekend.

According to Page Six ,  Linds came in, decided she wanted to sit at an already occupied table (by hockey players Sean Avry, Arron Voros, and model Jessica Stam) near the DJ booth.  Of course, Lindsay being Lindsay, she didn’t want to sit with them, claiming Voros was an ex-boyfriend and (Voros denies even knowing her – can’t say I blame him).  Becoming outraged that the people wouldn’t move for her, Lindsay threw a drink in the woman’s face.  Surprisingly, Lindsay didn’t get her ass handed to her on a platter.  She then went on to try to have the three thrown out of the club.  Lindsay’s requestdemand was denied and she left the place shortly thereafter.

Now comes word that Lindsay is bringing her world class f*ckery to the French Riviera by going to Cannes to drum up support for her Linda Lovelace bio-flick. 

Should be a quick trip.  Lindsay’s supposed to be in court on Thursday to report to a no nonsense judge on her alcohol education program.  She was required to go to one a week for thirteen weeks and has managed to go to nine of them so far (four shy).

Will Lindsay come back to the States in time for her court appearance or will her lawyer get her some sort of extention?  Will she be sent to jail?  Rehab? 

Must admit, I’m interested to see how this plays out.

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