There’s a joke in here somewhere about the Bieb being already small enough to fit in your pocket or being “doll sized”, but that would be hitting below the belt (or the top of the Bieb’s head for anyone of average height).

Sorry, couldn’t help myself. 

The Bieber dolls (lets call them Biebites) will be available this December, just in time for the holiday season.  Each Biebite plays a different 30 second clip of one of the Bieb’s songs and is made of plastic, just like the actual one’s personality. 

Resistance may be futile, but on the plus side, if you ever wanted to do unspeakable things to Justin Bieber without actually breaking any laws your time is nigh.  So, yay?

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Why be the person your betrothed fell in love with when you can be someone else?

Taking the premise of The Swan, that sh*t reality show were sociopaths competed to get a makeover complete with plastic surgery, and current trainwreck Bridezilla (which probably makes some future grooms want to cancel while declaring, “I’m not gay but I’ll learn.”), this latest contribution to the downfall of western civilization from E! will give women the chance to be “the perfect bride” competing in various wedding themed challenges to win “extensive surgical procedures”. 

Sounds lovely. 

The winner (if you can call her that) will get a “dream wedding” where she reveals her new look to the wedding party and groom.  In a statement, E! says, “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery.”

Yeah, nothing says “til death” like showing up to your wedding with a new face, tits, and ass, possibly causing chaos in the process.

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By sending everyone in the studio audience to “AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAA”.

After about an hour of listening to the faithful and special guests John Travolta and Don Johnson give literal blow jobs to Oprah (it was every bit as nauseating as it sounds), the mighty Opes declared that she’d be taking her flock down to Perth for eight days.  I’m assuming Travolta (a licensed captain) is going to fly. 

Said Opes, “I wanted to kick off my 25th season in a big way and I’ve heard Australia is the ultimate adventure. It’s one of the places I’ve always wanted to visit, and who better to take with me on this trip of a lifetime than some of my most loyal viewers. My team has been planning this trip for almost a year and we are so excited to go down under.”

It’s going to put a dampener on things if all of the Mighty Opes’ trained seals followers end up having to pay taxes for this trip (remember the cars?).  Going to and from AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  is not cheap.  No word if Oprah and John are planning on leaving them all in the outback, which would be wickedly funny, or if they’ll all be converted to Scientology by the time they get back.

(Yes I’m a cynical bitch, what’s your point?)

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WTF?

Apparently, angry super-model Naomi Campbell is a fan of the Real Housewives of New Jersey and the neanderthal-esque Teresa in particular. 

During last nights Watch What Happens: Live, the angry one called in to gush to Teresa, “How do you do it? You have four kids, you take care of your family, you cook and clean. I mean, you have no help at all. How do you do it?! You’re a role model. It’s like, you dress all your kids. They’re always….it’s amazing.”

When host Andy Cohen asked if Naomi thought Teresa is a role model (clearly not believing what he was hearing for himself) Naomi tried to throw a cell phone at him, even though she wasn’t in the same room.  Ok, she didn’t do that at all.  Naomi answered, “Yeah, she’s a role model, a mother…. She’s a business woman, she’s cooking, she’s cleaning, she’s a wife…. You know, yeah. The real deal.”

How anyone can be called a role model after spending their way into $11 million in debt, declare bankruptcy, lie about their finances regarding the aforementioned bankruptcy, while behaving like a borderline psychopath on TV is beyond me, but this is Naomi Campbell we’re dealing with here.  

I’m thinking the two should get together.  Naomi can teach Teresa how to whip a Blackberry at people’s heads and give beat-downs to staff, while Teresa can show Naomi how to flip tables and have epic tantrums (as if she needs help in that department).

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First the Bieb, now this?  At the rate the music industry is going, it’s only a matter of a few years and the next huge pop sensation will still be wearing training diapers.

Willow Smith, the “fashion forward” thinking offspring of Jada Pinkett and Will Smith, has been signed to record label Roc Nation Entertainment,  Jay-Z’s label. 

In a statement I just can’t see him writing, Jay-Z gushed, “We at Roc Nation are excited to work with Willow. She has an energy and enthusiasm about her music that is truly infectious. It’s rare to find an artist with such innate talent and creativity at such a young age. Willow is about to embark on an incredible journey and we look forward to joining her as she grows in all aspects of her career.”

Am I the only person who thinks at the ripe old age of nine, your too young too be considered an “artist”, record deal or not?

Granted, there’s some presence and talent there, obviously.  There’s also been some real prodigies (Mozart for example), but Willow Smith is probably more a product of her environment, opportunity, and marketing board room deals than anything else.

Regardless of what I think, the 7 to 12 year old set will probably love Willow.  Here’s her debut  single, Whip My Hair, which leaked online a couple of days ago, generating all sorts of buzz.  Sort of reminds me of Rihanna.  What do you think?

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This is exactly why the argument that tweens have too much time on their hands during summer vacation has credence.

We’re a little over two weeks into the break in most parts of North America and apparently the 8 to 14 year olds spent most of that time pressing re-play on YouTube, watching Justin Bieber’s video for Baby, his hit single that uses the word some 18 times in the chorus.  Who says music aimed at the teeny-bopper set can’t have thoughtful and meaningful lyrics?

The Beib’s video has been played almost 247 MILLION times, making it the most watched video (so far) in the site’s history, just beating out Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance (I thought it would have been Telephone that would be up there) which sits at about 25 million.

Please watch Bad Romance a few times to help Gaga regain her place and restore order in an otherwise upside down world.

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…and it’s going to cost him.

Kelsey Grammer, currently in the midst of divorcing the permanently 41 year old and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast-member Camille Donatacci, never had her sign a pre-nup when they got married back in 1997.

Cripes.  

This means in all likelihood Kelsey is going to have to fork over 50% of all earnings he made between then and now, a figure rumored to be at least $100 million.

Lets hear it for them folks!  Kelsey Grammer, new poster child for male pattern idiocy, and Camille Donatacci, gold-digger standard setter.

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What is it with reality TV personalities (I refuse to call them celebrities) and delusions of singing careers?

Last summer it was Real Housewife of AtlantaKim Zolciak being Tardy For The Party.  This past winter, it was Heidi Montag and an entire album, Superficial.  Just a short while ago, Countess (the “o” is silent) Luann of the Real Housewives of New York was ironically pointing out that Money Can’t Buy You Class.

So of course one of those Jersey Shorecreatures just had to get in on the act before their 15 minutes  is up.  The Situation thankfully doesn’t attempt to sing (yay) he tries to rap (boo). 

Here’s a teaser of the horror that is The Situation Rap before it gets released on i-Tunesnext week.  Bonus marks if you can listen to the whole thing without reaching for the aspirin and if you can figure out if he’s rapping about himself, his abs, or an actual set of circumstances.

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Seriously, Heidi Montag is a god-send (but not for the reasons she thinks).

Never letting something like reality and lack of acting talent stop her, the boobtastic plastic surgery victim posted a 30 second clip of herself at an LA shooting range on her Facebook page as her audtion for a role in Transformers 3 left vacant by Megan Fox’s departure.

Better luck next time Heidi.  The rumour floating around today is that Victoria’s Secret model turned actress Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has gotten the part.

Maybe Heidi should try out for the role of a fembot instead, you know she’s got enough plastic and silicone in her now to play one convincingly.

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Drag Queens everywhere rejoice!  You have a new anthem to lip-sync to!

Beyonce’s ubiquitous hit Single Ladies, which has been covered and spoofed on SNL, Glee, and several dozen times by hard core fans on YouTube,  is now being done by… Liza Minelli?

Liza, who appears in the upcoming Sex In The City 2: Trigger Goes to the Desert, contributed this horrendous yet still fabulous mess to the soundtrack.

It’s so bad, it’s actually good.

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