The Hip Hop world was all aflutter yesterday as news broke that rapper Drake (Gabriel Drake Aubrey or that kid in the wheelchair from Degrassi) and Niki Minaj both Tweeted that they had gotten married.

“Please refer to @nickiminaj as Mrs. Aubrey Drake Graham and dont stare at her too long. She’s finally mine. .”

“Baby u scared?”

Hmmm.  Real deal or publicity stunt?

Spokesminions for both say that the Tweets aren’t true and the couple isn’t married while his “people” try to convince Drake to get an annulment and have an iron clad prenup in place first, just yanking the chains of their fans and the media.

Oh.  Burn?

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Milking  the extra 15 minutes of fame that being a co-star with Heidi Motag in a sex tape which will probably never ever see the light of day (but will be mentioned as often as possible by Spiedi) has bought her, ex Playboy play-mate and Hugh Hefner play-thing Karissa Shannon went to Millions of Milkshakes along with boyfriend Sam Jones III (who’s apparently out on bail in regards to his involvement with an Oxycontin ring) to create a signature shake.

Ugh.  I can only imagine what it must taste like.  Possible ingredients include Oxycontin, drug deals, sex-tapes, lube, the floor of a porn shoot, silicone, desperation, and famewhoring. 

Whatever you do, don’t swallow.

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Well, this is totally shocking (not really).  J-Lo is as demanding an employer as she (allegedly) is an employee. 

According to Life&Style (yeah, I know) Jenny from the block is seeking an assistant after the last one chewed through her restraints and escaped and the requirements are a real scream. 

“The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries, among others things. You’ll be expected to travel at a moment’s notice and must know how to adjust in each city. The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks.  You’ll be on call 24/7 and you’ve got to be organized and always on point. You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away.  You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won’t say she’s hungry, you’re just expected to have food waiting.”

Sounds like a lovely working environment.  So what is the salary for basically handing over your mind, body, and soul?  $55 to $65 thousand dollars a year (or $17.36 per hour, assuming the lucky canidate hired gets the high end wage).  Apparently, it’s considered a bonus at L&S that “you get to help” J-Lo dress for red carpet events and photo-shoots.

Snort.

No word if your expected to answer to “Peon”, watch J-Lo’s movies, listen to her music, and call her “beautiful” a set number of times per day.

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Lawerence Fishburne’s 19 year old daughter (far left) is taking a page from the Kim Kardashian School of Famewhoring and taking it one step further. 

Not only is she staring in her very own sex-tape in an effort to get her career going, she’s not bothering with the pretense of shock and outrage at it being released by hiring a lawyer to pretend to try and stop it’s imminent arrival on Aug 18th.

In a press release, Montana said, “I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid. I’m hoping the same magic will work for me. I’m impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it.”

Yeah, that’s what Shauna Sand thought when she had her sex tape released earlier this year through Vivid as well.  Who?  Exactly.

Although this picture was taken earlier this year, the look on Lawerence Fishburne’s face says it all.

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I stopped watching CSI a few years ago.  It wasn’t that I thought it was bad (hello, CSI:Miami), it just simply had run it’s course for me and I moved on. 

Anyway, looks like CBS is trying to attract some buzz and new viewers to their flagship procedural drama by announcing a major piece of stunt casting in a desperate attempt to stay relevent. 

Justin Bieber will be making his acting debut in the season premiere of the show playing “a troubled teen who is faced with a terrible decision regarding his only brother — a decision that leads him into an explosive confrontation with the CSIs.”

So the Bieb has acting aspirations like Justin Timberlake now?  

Heaven help us.

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KIDDING! 

Jennifer Aniston’s fragrance Lolavie (they should have gone with “Abandoned”) is being released later this week, along with an ad campain that shows Jen (surprise, surprise) shirtless, on a beach, with her arms crossed over her breats, and the wind whipping through her famous hair.

Nice to see Jen branch out for a change (sarcasm).  

Interesting to note how the release of the fragrance and it’s campain got delayed just in time to end up coming out a few days before Angelina Jolie’s new action flick Salt. 

Trying to steal Angie’s thunder or ride on her coat-tails?  Discuss!

Jen also has a movie coming out next month, meaning a showmance with somebody (anybody) should be right around the corner, with paps getting photos and Jen’s spokes-minion denying anything’s going on.  Predictable. 

Hmmm.  Maybe that’s what Jen should have named her fragrance.

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Oh sarcasm, where would I be without you?

Taylor Momsen, the petulant (and possibly ex) cast-member of Gossip Girlhas been picked by Lordes and Madonna to appear in a series of ads for Material Girl.  Nothing screams edgy like Macy’s or Taylor, who’s a perfect example of someone trying to hard if ever their was one.

We.  Get.  It.

Your edgy.  Your hardcore.  You don’t give a f*ck.

Can we all go home now?  It’s probably past your bedtime.

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 After her long suffering lawyer, Shawn Chapman-Holley, threw up her hands in frustration and ran screaming out of of the courtroom to get away from Lindsay resigned as Lindsay’s legal council last week (only to be told by the Judge that she can’t quit until all the appropriate paperwork has been filed) the big question was who was going to represent Lilo?

It’s not going to be some green lawyer who just passed the bar last year (which was the rumour late last week), or the Real Cornitian Leather in the spiffy powder blue suit to the left.  Who?  This would be Stuart V Goldberg, a criminal defense attorney who dropped everything on his plate and left his practice in Illinois to come rushing to Lindsay’s legal aid (whether she wanted it or not).

Surprise, surprise, the Lohans apparently aren’t going to take Mr. Goldberg up on his completely generous and in no way self-serving offer after all.  A source close to the lawyer says that the Lohans couldn’t afford Goldberg and that he refused to work for free (so there too).  Meanwhile, another source close to Lindsay (obviously Dina) says that she felt Mr. Goldberg was a little too “eccentric”.  Heh.

Never thought I’d say this about the Lohan’s, but smart move.

TMZ is now reporting that the Lohans have hired high powered attorney Robert Shapiroto represent Linds with her appeal from here on, so Real Cornithian Leather has taken his leathery hide and powder blue suit back to the windy city.

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This really shouldn’t come as a surprise, should it?

One has-been with a drug problem and a ridiculous story literally stolen from an episode of Six Feet Under (it got even more ridiculous as time went on) and a fame-whoring doctor with a show to produce. 

Jeremy told the world that he was forced to smoke crack at gunpoint and deliver booze to the gang-areas of Palm Springs, but not before the kidnappers dropped off his wife first, because she was crying (and they were considerate as kidnapping crackheads tend to be).  Both she and Jeremy are having custody issues to do with their kid due to past brushes with the law and drug use.

Jeremey’s mother and twin brother even went so far as to basically say his story was a crock of sh*t in the media.  Now Radar is reporting that Jermey is heading to Celebrity Rehab, despite his recent interview with People, where he maintained that he’s sober and still on the wagon (insert eyeroll), even though he was forced to party at gunpoint.

Considering other victims patients of Dr Drew this season will include Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler, the trainwreck potential for this is epic.

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What is it with reality TV personalities (I refuse to call them celebrities) and delusions of singing careers?

Last summer it was Real Housewife of AtlantaKim Zolciak being Tardy For The Party.  This past winter, it was Heidi Montag and an entire album, Superficial.  Just a short while ago, Countess (the “o” is silent) Luann of the Real Housewives of New York was ironically pointing out that Money Can’t Buy You Class.

So of course one of those Jersey Shorecreatures just had to get in on the act before their 15 minutes  is up.  The Situation thankfully doesn’t attempt to sing (yay) he tries to rap (boo). 

Here’s a teaser of the horror that is The Situation Rap before it gets released on i-Tunesnext week.  Bonus marks if you can listen to the whole thing without reaching for the aspirin and if you can figure out if he’s rapping about himself, his abs, or an actual set of circumstances.

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