Why be the person your betrothed fell in love with when you can be someone else?

Taking the premise of The Swan, that sh*t reality show were sociopaths competed to get a makeover complete with plastic surgery, and current trainwreck Bridezilla (which probably makes some future grooms want to cancel while declaring, “I’m not gay but I’ll learn.”), this latest contribution to the downfall of western civilization from E! will give women the chance to be “the perfect bride” competing in various wedding themed challenges to win “extensive surgical procedures”. 

Sounds lovely. 

The winner (if you can call her that) will get a “dream wedding” where she reveals her new look to the wedding party and groom.  In a statement, E! says, “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery.”

Yeah, nothing says “til death” like showing up to your wedding with a new face, tits, and ass, possibly causing chaos in the process.

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And apparently knows how to hold a grudge. 

While performing at her old high school near Santa Barbara (10 year reunion?) the singer spotted a guy who was the object of her unrequitted affections back in the day and dedicated her gay baiting song “Ur So Gay” to him.

“Is that Shane Lopes? You were the most popular kid in my class! But you never wanted to date me, it was always Amanda Wayne. Oh yeah, you really chose right honey. What’s up. What’s up now, player. I’m going to dedicate this next one to Shane Lopes everyone!”

Hysterical.

Shane didn’t seem to mind the attention or take it too personally.  I would have been angry only because the song is so bad.  Don’t believe me?  Have a listen by taking a look at the video below.  I made it to 1:13 then started to lose the will to live.

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WTF?

Apparently, angry super-model Naomi Campbell is a fan of the Real Housewives of New Jersey and the neanderthal-esque Teresa in particular. 

During last nights Watch What Happens: Live, the angry one called in to gush to Teresa, “How do you do it? You have four kids, you take care of your family, you cook and clean. I mean, you have no help at all. How do you do it?! You’re a role model. It’s like, you dress all your kids. They’re always….it’s amazing.”

When host Andy Cohen asked if Naomi thought Teresa is a role model (clearly not believing what he was hearing for himself) Naomi tried to throw a cell phone at him, even though she wasn’t in the same room.  Ok, she didn’t do that at all.  Naomi answered, “Yeah, she’s a role model, a mother…. She’s a business woman, she’s cooking, she’s cleaning, she’s a wife…. You know, yeah. The real deal.”

How anyone can be called a role model after spending their way into $11 million in debt, declare bankruptcy, lie about their finances regarding the aforementioned bankruptcy, while behaving like a borderline psychopath on TV is beyond me, but this is Naomi Campbell we’re dealing with here.  

I’m thinking the two should get together.  Naomi can teach Teresa how to whip a Blackberry at people’s heads and give beat-downs to staff, while Teresa can show Naomi how to flip tables and have epic tantrums (as if she needs help in that department).

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This twat is unreal.

After getting heaps of attention feigning horror at the sex-tape she claims she had now idea was being filmed (snort), Heidi Montag sat down with Life & Style for an “exclusive interview” to complain about her “heartbreaking” boobs.  Doesn’t she mean back-breaking?

Heidi claims she has no family or friends and wants to live in exile in Costa Rica, where she says she’s been shopping for a plastic surgeon to reverse her surgeries that she had late last fall that make her look like a top heavy blow up sex doll (if the shoe fits…), even though just a short while ago she was insisting she’d never been happier with her appearance.

Soon to be ex-husband Spencer is supposedly down there too, which basically means everything, the marriage, the break-up, the impending divorce, the sex-tapes, Spencer’s ultimatum, is probably a sham and attention ploy. 

At this rate, I’m just waiting to hear that there is no such persons as Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt and the two famewhores are actually caricatures portrayed by a pair of practical jokers with no boundries that have too much time and money on their hands.

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What were they thinking?

As per Deadline Hollywood, one of the best female superheros ever has been given an updated costume for some reason. Tight black leather pants and jacket with boots.  Really?  That’s the best they could come up with??  (Ok, so they altered the bracelets a bit too.)

Years, ago DC pulled the same stunt with Superman, giving him a snazzy black and white outfit.  Notice how the characters not wearing it anymore in the comics?

DC says of the new look, “It reflects her origins in both the outside world and the world of Amazons: tough, elegant…a street-fighter’s look which also incorporates elements of her classic design.”

Apparently, along with the new outfit comes a new timeline, one where Paradise Island gets invaded and Diana is one of the few to escape as a child, the story then picks up some twenty years later with Diana/Wonder Woman hunted and on the run from her enemies.

Cue the countdown for fan backlash with DC abandoning this look to go back to the tried and true look we all grew up with.

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“David Boreanaz is not part of my life, nor will he be.  I am not in contact with him and do not wish to be. I have made no claims against him and do not plan to assert any. Any statements to the contrary are false and I hope that this statement will finally end any speculation about this issue.  I am looking forward to a life not filled with scandal, rumor, innuendo or false statements. I will not have any further comment regarding David Boreanaz.” She said in a statement through her lawyer Gloria Allred.

Faithless Hussy apparently did have a fling with Boreanaz last summer, before moving on to Tiger Woods (hence her monikor), who gave her a huge chunk of hush money to keep her quiet.

As for her hopes of living a life free of scandal, rumour, and innuendo?

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I don’t know who to feel more sorry for (yes I do, me) Kate, her dancing partner Tony Dovolani, or everyone else who saw this “performance”  the actual routine starts at the 1:45 mark (don’t say you haven’t been warned)

It’s like watching a drunken prom queen with vertigo trying to ignore the bladder control accident that just occurred and failing miserably.   

Lest you think I’m being too harsh on the mother of eight and professional famewhore (who’s doing this for the kids, as she constantly reminds everyone), remember that she’s being paid $200 000 to embarrass herself on a weekly basis.  I’d embarrass myself on a weekly basis for half that amount.

Kate and her hapless partner (who’s smile increasingly looks like he’s wishing the ground to swallow him whole) were given another low score of 15 out of 30. 

George Lopez has jumped on the Kate band-wagon on his late night show, probably out of a twisted sense of irony (or underdog kinsmanship), urging people to vote for her on  KeepKate.com

Since Kate seems to be bringing in the ratings for ABC, low score or not, she’ll probably be back next week.

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The Famewhoring ages, that is.

Word out today that Michael Lohan and Kate Major (Jon Gosselin’s cast off) are getting hitched.  Oh please, please, please, don’t reproduce.

 The pair of famewhores spoke to People about it.  Says Kate, “I’m very traditional, so I wanted him to talk to my father. Michael went down with me to Florida for Easter, to meet my father to ask for his permission, and my father gave his blessing. I’m ecstatic. I’m very happy. Michael and I have known each other for four years, and it’s meant to be.” 

Traditional?  Who’s kidding who?  What kind of parent would be ok with their adult child marrying a convicted criminal who routinely gets arrested for breaking court orders?

As for Michael Lohan, “I’m ecstatic. I’ve never met anyone who’s been there for me like Kate. She’s always been there for me. The one thing about Kate is that she doesn’t come with baggage.”

That’s good, because he brings enough baggage and potential drama in the making for several couples let alone one.

Can’t wait for Michael to want Lindsay to meet her new step-monster, who’s supposedly only three years older than she is.  Speaking of Lindsay, what do you suppose her reaction to this news was?

‘I’m gonna vomit! I so didn’t need that info… Yuck.” 

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What’s the male version of a skank?  A mank?

A week after checking himself into rehab, Jesse James has checked himself out and is supposedly staying at a friends.  Whether or not this has something to do with the moving vans that were seen outside casa Bullock-James Saturday (with Jesse’s daughter and mother carrying boxes), as well as the news that Sandra still intends to divorce his ass after initially hesitating remains to be seen.

A friend of JJ’s says “All of Jesse’s pals have been talking about it…. It seems like Jesse just isn’t that serious about rehab after all.”

Ya think? 

Sex “addiction” my ass.  This pretty much demonstrates JJ’s entry into rehab was only a public ploy to try and make amends with his wife because he got caught, not because he actually has a problem. 

Being into gross looking skanks itself isn’t a problem, unless you happen to be married and your wife doesn’t know about your prolectivities.

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Move over Kardashians, Real Housewives, and especially you, Sarah Palin.

There’s (supposedly) a new kid on the reality TV block.

Levi Johnsonton has apparently found his next paying gig famewhoring, a reality show he’s shopping around LA. 

The as yet untitled will feature Johnston doing his thing in Alaska, which includes hunting, fishing, being a thorn in Sarah Palin’s side, and apparently looking for a girlfriend, home or abroad.

Yes, Levi’s back on the market and on the prowl.

While boasting to E! about the project at Perez Hilton’s birthday bash, Johnston says he hasn’t dated since he was with Bristol (not for a lack of trying) and is now looking to find a woman and “take her back to Alaska and see if she can hang“.

Fishing, hunting, trolling for chicks and hanging?  Sounds riveting.

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