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I thought “Guidios” were supposed to own the dance floor?

Oh well, guess some people have no rhythm (just ask ex Dancing For A Cheque contestant Kate Gosselin).

The Situation was pretty steamed at his score and the judges remarks the night before, storming off camera in the post results interview.  Tonight he admitted that although he tried, he is not a dancer. 

Something tells me The Sitch’s co-stars on Jersey Shore will never let him live this down.

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So much for her staying out of trouble (at least peripherally) while on probation.

While Paris plans yet another reality show that will focus on the “real” Paris Hilton, which I assume is a lot like the pretend one we keep seeing, she was the passenger in creepy, gun totting boyfriend Cy Waits’ car while he drove over a paparazzi on Monday night.

Apparently while leaving a West Hollywood club, their car got swarmed by paps, after a few minutes, Cy gave the universal sign for “get the hell out of the way, we’re about to start moving” unfortunately one of the paps was too slow and got hit. Pap goes down!  Pap screams bloody blue murder! Pap calls cops! Pap sells story to tabloid!

Radar reports that after initially leaving the scene, Cy came back to take a breathalyzer and was issued a citation.  He’ll be due in court later this month.

Cue lawsuit in 5…4…3…

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Already?  Le sigh.

Looks like Lindsay’s life on the straight and narrow was neither that straight or narrow.  TMZ is claiming Linds failed a drug test last week.  If true it means she’s going back to prison.  Lindsay swears she didn’t fail any test (lies all lies!) but TMZ is holding firm.

Hopefully it’s not true.  Besides trading in her car for a spiffy white Porsche, Lindsay was just confirmed to host Saturday Night Live on Dec 4th (at least according to RadarOnline.com).

If she did indeed screw up again and is going to the clink for another time-out, there’s no way in hell the judge will let her work in NYC again.

Stay tuned…

UPDATE – TMZ is saying that cocaine was found in Lindsay’s system and that she failed more than one drug test.  Surprisingly in a series of Tweets that don’t at all sound like they came from her lawyer, Lindsay wrote, “Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test.” 

“If I am asked, I am prepared to appear before judge Fox next week. Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn’t go away over night.”

“I am working hard to overcome it and am taking positive steps forward. I am testing every day and doing what I must to prevent any mishaps.”

“This was certainly a setback for me but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I’m prepared to face the consequences.”

Notice how Lindsay is now playing the addiction card that shes been caught,  forgeting that she was triumphantly touting (along with Dina) that the doctors at UCLA Medical Center determined she wasn’t an addict just last month.

Even when she takes “full responsibility” it’s really not her fault.  Unbelievable.

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Why be the person your betrothed fell in love with when you can be someone else?

Taking the premise of The Swan, that sh*t reality show were sociopaths competed to get a makeover complete with plastic surgery, and current trainwreck Bridezilla (which probably makes some future grooms want to cancel while declaring, “I’m not gay but I’ll learn.”), this latest contribution to the downfall of western civilization from E! will give women the chance to be “the perfect bride” competing in various wedding themed challenges to win “extensive surgical procedures”. 

Sounds lovely. 

The winner (if you can call her that) will get a “dream wedding” where she reveals her new look to the wedding party and groom.  In a statement, E! says, “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery.”

Yeah, nothing says “til death” like showing up to your wedding with a new face, tits, and ass, possibly causing chaos in the process.

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… To help avoid this kind of thing.  Read on.

Apparently, Lindsay clipped a woman pushing a baby stroller late yesterday afternoon when making a right turn from a parking garage in West Hollywood.

Radar has all the juicy details, including a video which supposedly shows Lindsay’s car speeding away (hit and run). 

What makes the validity of this story dubious at best is that no police report has been filed and the man who shot the video went to Radar instead.

TMZ is calling bullsh*t on the whole thing, having identified the video taker as Brayan Jaime, a freelance paparazzi.  Hmmmm.  When TMZ asked him why he didn’t go to police as well (a reasonable question) he said that “he didn’t want to get involved”.

Riiiiiiight.  Isn’t it illegal not to report a crime to the police if you witness one?  (Then again, filing a false report with the police is a crime as well.)   

Funny that Jaime doesn’t seem to have a problem involving himself, so long as he’s getting money and credit for his efforts.

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Not on the court but in the stands.

Don’t know who started it or who said what to whom, but something tells me the words “fat” and “bitch” were used one too many times.  This is exactly why I refuse to sit in the nosebleeds at events, too much trash.

Remember when dealing with asshats, keep it chill, with your temper in check, and always, always keep your hands to yourself.  You never know who might be watching, or recording.

Update – Here’s another angle of the fight.  Apparently Chubs and her husband/father/whatever took offense to some of Junior’s language.  One too many f-bombs.  So like the two rational adults they are, they picked a fight with him rather than getting security, changing their seats, or just ignoring him.

All three were arrested and later released but have been banned from the US Open until 2013.  Cue lawsuits (cause you know they’re coming) and a possible offer for a reality TV show.

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Looks like skin care/acne med line Proactiv is getting proactive by hiring Justin Bieber to shill for them in the hopes of bringing in the lucrative obsessed pimpley tween market (“But Mom, Justin uses it, so I have to too!”).

Doesn’t puberty have to rear it’s ugly head before you  need to start worrying about acne?  Guess if a company is going to pay you mega-bucks to shill, you tell folks it’s a problem, whether it actually is or not.

As for this commercial spot, it tries so hard, it’s almost painfully embarrassing to watch, yo.

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With yet another tape just being released by the folks over at Radar (how long before they sell them as a series?) of Mel huffing and puffing in between screaming and swearing at Oksana over something or other, and a statement at People regarding Mad Mel (“he’s doing as well as can be expected”), the lines in this drama are being drawn and people are starting to take sides.

Whoopi Goldberg was taken to task for having the audacity to suggest that knowing Mel, in her opinion, she doesn’t think he’s a racist on The View Monday, and then suggesting that Oksana’s motives might be monetary yesterday. 

SHOCKING!  

Never mind the fact that as a woman of color that you’d think Whoopi would be able to ascertain for herself if Mel is a racist (as she pointed out this morning), or that when we get mad at others and are by ourselves (or with our significant other) we might use words we’d never say in the company of those who could get offended by them. 

People say dumb things sometimes, and some people (like racists) say dumb things quite frequently.

As for Mad Mel, he supposedly went on the record some time ago that he’s bi-polar and manic depressive (never mind a mean and violent drunk), so while this doesn’t excuse his behavior, it certainly helps explain some of it. 

 The fact of the matter is couples fight sometimes (although violence is never excusable).  Having tapes of portions of conversations released without getting the benefit of the context means people are weighing in on a situation without all the relevant information. 

Cue countdown for Mad Mel’s spokesminion to release a statement saying that he’s going to rehab and seeking professional help.

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Battered but not bowed!  Is there anything worse than a summer cold (except maybe when it turns into the flu)?  But enough about my probs…

Lindsay’s are just beginning.  Since new info about Linds pops up online every couple of hours, I thought I’d round up what’s been happening in the past 24.

After the verdict, Lindsay bailed on her own birthday bash, instead opting to stay at home, where she was visited by Kim Kardashian, clearly feeling that she hadn’t been mentioned in the news enough lately, and chose this as her way of inserting herself into the picture.  This woman needs to write a book on famewhoring.  She’s a master at it.

Apparently, Linds plans to appeal the sentence of  90 days in jail followed by madatory 90 days in rehab handed down to her by Judge Marsha Revel earlier this week.

However, it’ll be a different council as Lind’s lawyer quit that bitch yesterday.  Whether it was the “f*ck u” painted on Lindsay’s middle fingernail, her statement that “I’m not going to jail” afterwards, her plans to appeal, or the fact that she probably has no real means to pay her legal fees remains unclear.  Lindsay’s new lawyer is just that, having passed the bar exam only eight months ago.  What’s that old saying?  You only get what you pay for? 

Speaking of paying for things…Lindsay is well aware that she’s going to be a hot commodity on the interview circuit once she’s sprung from the clink.  Word is she’s not even considering any interview requests unless they cough up at least a cool $1 million.  You just know she’ll totally get it.  Why is beyond me since everyone knows everything, and her parents won’t charge nearly that much to be interviewed, which leads us to….

Stage mother extraordinaire and Carvel ice cream grifter Dina Lohan will be appearing on  Entertainment Tonight in an “exclusive” (insert eyeroll) segment this evening where she’ll bitch about Lindsay’s unfair treatment at the hands of the legal system.  Oh, boo hoo! 

Meanwhile, her useless father Michael has also been busy making the rounds on the tabloid television circuit, blaming Dina for everything, all the while expressing concern for Lindsay (who he has no trouble selling out for a cheque everytime he can).

Finally, that now infamous ”f*ck u” painted on her middle finger was of course a joke, according to Lindsay, clearly worried that she could be found in contempt of court now that her little message to the Judge has been made public.  

Whew.  I’m exhauseted typing all that out.

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Of course, she’s not talking about herself here (just alluding to it).  What an over dramatic dumbass.

Dina would probably try to involve Amnesty International over Lindsay’s imminent incarceration, but since they won’t pay her for an “exclusive” interview, she’ll probably bitch to one of TV’s finer tabloid journalism shows instead.

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